Campus Chronicle

Issue date: 11/25/03 Section: Advice

Will something like a religious wedding ceremony be the death of your relationship?

How many of you have ever wanted to set up two of your best friends? They like the same music, they're both super smart, good looking and exceptionally funny ... It is a match made in heaven, except for one little thing: "he/she's not (insert religion here)."

Is this such a little thing?

There are those who say it is. In fact, it isn't even worth mentioning, they say. This line of reasoning goes something along the lines of, "if we are meant to be together, why would I let something like that stand in our way? It's so hard to meet a good person - why put artificial limits on dating?" After all, this could be their soul mate!

We will call them "The Romantics." In theory, they have it all worked out, including all the symbolic hippie names they will give their children and how they will incorporate both faith traditions into the wedding ceremony (read rabbi and priest).

In practicality, this philosophy is bound to run into a few snags. But one must marvel at the idealistic way they look at life, love and religion. And who knows: it could totally work!

Then, as with anything else, there are those who are diametrically opposed.

These individuals think that it is (make your eyes real big and raise your voice) "SUCH" a big deal that you should never even meet the person. After all, you had different upbringings, clearly don't want the same things in life and could never raise children this way. Oh, and "what would your parents say?!"

What's worse, if you meet him/her and actually hit it off, it will suck to have to break up with them after the first date.

We will call these individuals "The Free Thinkers."

That was a joke. How about "The Cynics?"

As beautiful as their loyal devotion to their faith is, it really is sad that they will spend their entire lifes alone waiting for the perfectly packaged person - including the perfect faith - to come along. But so goes the cynic creed that "under no circumstances should you settle (unless you are over 35 and 'getting old,' whatever that means). It just isn't worth it!"

Then there are those of us who remain undecided, choosing instead to adopt an approach we learned in law school (yes, we did learn something applicable to real life), which is "that it must be decided on a case-by-case basis."

This really is such a great answer because just as it worked in the classroom, here too it allows these individuals to look as though they really have thought through the issue and are not jumping to any rash or impractical conclusions. Although the interesting thing about those in this category is just what the decision turns on in the end.

Here we dabble briefly into the various complex ways that they justify whether religion is a "big thing" or not. Let me warn you, my fellow fish, these reasons are why "case-by-case" friends are the hardest to set up.

Essentially, there is no real standard in place. To put it in legal terms, it is more of a "totality of the circumstances" test than a bright-line rule (yes, a good time to roll your eyes).

For example, some decide whether to date someone of another religion depending on whether they would be willing to convert. They are essentially "working it out" and are not that different than "The Romantics." However, if this conversation comes up during the first date, they may be more "cynical" than we gave them credit for.

Still for others, the decision turns on the degree of difference involved, basically whether the prospect is "completely of another faith" or "only half different." Why, you ask? This way, they still know each other's culture and therefore have a better chance of working out as a couple - think of it as increasing your odds. Yet note that room for interpretation exists here as well, as certain religions are more selective as far as which parent has to be of the faith for you to be considered one with that religion. Why would this matter, you ask? What can I say - I guess people want purebreds!

Finally, others will tell you that religion might matter or it might not. "It just depends on the chemistry." This is the most illogical answer (despite their attempts to start off as "case-by-case" rational reasoners) because they are really just saying that their willingness to date someone of a different faith is contingent on traditional traits such as good looks and personality. Call me crazy, but wouldn't these things matter if the prospect was of the same faith? Or is there automatically chemistry just because you both go to (insert: temple, church, mosque, etc.) on a weekly (or holiday) basis?

I guess the answer - as frustrating and circular as it is - is that it may or may not matter. As far as setups are concerned, it's the most fun to play matchmaker with "The Romantics." Think about it - they will quickly transition from religion to the "bigger picture" and might not even care. In contrast, "The Cynics" might require your "case-by-case" basis to prove that they are truly of the same faith by asking them to show their circumcision or recite the rosary on the first date! And the "case-by-casers" are definitely the biggest risk.

All I can say is, when it comes to love, don't think too much. Follow your heart, not your faith.

Related Links:
Christian Soulmates - A Singles Service
Religion specific dating sites

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